The Confusing Conundrum of the Tennis Compliment

Thoughts on National Compliment Day

Happy National Compliment Day

We live in the golden age of the compliment. In our social media world, we’re awash with them—a like here, a share or repost there, the excitement of being followed by a revered artist or public figure. Pop out that must-see clip, and before you know it, you’ve gone viral, earning yourself an influencer side hustle. As an aspiring writer, having my work read and appreciated by some of our sport's greats never disappoints, inspiring me to keep on typing.

But not all compliments hit the same.

Insincere, excessive flattery can feel manipulative and unwanted like we’re about to get played. But being stingy with our praise can set off different emotions. That well-deserved atta-boy or longed-for pat on the back that never comes can scar one. For many, the complimentary approval of a loved one is the cherry on top of their efforts.

Compliments tap into our most profound human need to be appreciated. We light up, feeling seen, valued, understood, admired. Compliments activate the brain's reward system, flooding the mind’s circuits with endorphins and serotonin, making us feel confident, alive, worthy, seen, and motivated to continue our positive behaviors.

But not everyone handles praise well. We all know someone from the can't stand a compliment crowd who struggles to believe nice things said about them, often becoming dismissive, uncomfortable, and even defensive when praised. A curious dynamic it is, the inability to accept a compliment. It likely stems from poor self-image, contradicting our hard-wired internal sense of being, that if you really got to know me, you'd see me for the steaming pile of shit I am.

I tended to be more the latter. Years of being on the receiving end of unrelenting criticism, the anti-compliment, being told I was a failure and a fuck-up by an over-the-top parent, followed by years of honoring said parent by behaving like a failure and a fuck-up. So much energy expended proving him right when it could have equally been spent proving him wrong. Oh well…

Over the years, accepting praise gracefully has been a challenge for me. In the year 2000, 20 years and pounds from my peek tennis playing days, I was up early one morning in Westwood training with one of my better players. Grinding away, I look down the bay of courts only to see my old UCLA college coach, Glenn Bassett, running corner to corner, working harder than a touring pro. My relationship with Coach was somewhat fractured; immature, volatile, and troubled, I quit on him, the shame of that moment a forever dark cloud casting shade over our dynamic. But from a court away, Coach and I caught each other's eye, and in his signature monotone voice…

“Hey, who is that guy???”

As Coach walked over to our court, I sheepishly said hello when he looked me straight in the eye, saying…

“It's so good to see you out here training early!!!”

He then waved my student Eric over, introducing himself and saying,

“Eric, this Buss kid, best backhand I ever had…”

Huh??!! What??!! He coached Connors, Teltscher, Gimelstob, Teacher, some of the best backhands in all of tennis. Was Coach feeling alright? Or was he just being nice? How dare he jar my degraded sense of self with such high praise. Either way, you could have knocked me over with a Graphite Edge; Coach’s comment was one of the nicest compliments I'd ever received. My player Eric and I ran with that moment for years; every backhand passing shot I'd hit by him met with Coach's compliment…

Best backhand I ever had...

And we still laugh about it today…

Without a doubt, my favorite compliment conundrum is the tennis one. In what other endeavor do we applaud our opponent for besting us in the heat of battle? I mean, who are we rooting for? Why appreciate your foe’s good fortunes? Do we have a glitch in our competitive make-up? What is our over-complimentary ways all about?

I believe tennis compliments center around our relationship and perspective on tennis competition.

If we can apply the Goldilocks paradigm…

If a player is too competitive or too consumed, there will be no compliments. The opponent becomes inhuman, an adversary, a threat, a barrier to where you’re heading. They’re trying to take something important from you, and matches got personal. The greats of the Tennis Boom, Lendl, Mac, Connors, Nastase, Borg…the 70s were surlier times—players scowling, jarring, beaning, berating, often close to throwing blows, everyone with a paranoid chip on their shoulder: the American bad boys, Connors and Mac. The European Russians, Czechs, Slavs, Iron Curtain escapees, joyless cabbage-filled youths, now all grown up with the charm of a fern, their tennis careers their only hope of a better life. They were playing much more than a match against you; they were playing for survival. There would be no compliments from them.

On the other end of the Goldilocks spectrum are players not competitive enough. Too removed, too playful. The Kyrgios, Bublik, Monfils, Paire types, all showmanesque, their matches more exhibition than battle. Underhand serves, trick shots, tweener mania, performative high fives and forced laughter, complimenting each other at every turn, a mutual admiration society with all the tension of an All-Star game.

The showmen didn't get the memo. Tennis competition as entertainment is about tension/release. I used to call them look-good-losers back in the day. Talented, stylish, accomplished, but not born of champion stock, at their core, gutless wonders, lacking the edge and grit to become the best. Their fear of fully investing emotionally, of becoming vulnerable to tennis' uncertainty, is an emotional cop-out. Their battles are different, more concerned with getting along than getting ahead, playing for admiration more than glory. Psychology deems them other-directed, petrified of being disliked by others, often at the expense of bettering themselves. They play hard, no question. Talented ballers they are, accomplished beyond almost anyone’s imagination. But true tennis champions can't be jesters; you must be willing to do whatever it takes. So don't look for their names on the Final Sunday schedule of a major. They don’t want it badly enough.

Then there’s the just right tennis competitor. Assassins, but with a heart. The fiercest of competitors but not at the expense of the competition. Tennis has a history of sportsmanship and class. We paying patrons demand it. Tennis matches should be an edge-of-your-seat battle but with closure. No wet fish, driveby, no look handshakes at the net. To be able to compliment your ouster immediately upon defeat is one of the most challenging aspects of tennis, for tennis matches can feel personal, but we can’t take them personally. Players must understand the assignment. Send everyone home content. Don't deny them their feel-good moment. It’s all part of the experience, especially for the I’m here for the handshake crowd. Show respect and be complimentary. It’s how the fantasy plays out; It's how we’d behave and want to be treated ourselves if that were us battling under the bright lights of a packed center court. The collegial spirit of tennis competition must remain sacred, and our just-right competitors got the memo; they are a rung on a ladder with equal steps above as below, a small cog in a vast tennis ecosystem. The game is bigger than them. Do no harm to the traditions that got you here. Be complimentary when the moment requires.

For example, when your opponent, likely a friend, someone you always root for except against yourself, hits a fantastic shot, the fan in you emerges. You applaud great tennis and amazing shots, even when they're hit against you. Though you battle with all your life, tennis matches are not life or death. Your perspective is clear; you’re an amazingly well-compensated entertainer. In a world gone mad, you get to play competitive tennis; this match, that shot, they mean little in the grander scheme of life, matches brief skirmishes in the larger battle already won.

So we compliment great tennis, even when it’s against us. And what I love most about the tennis compliment is how spontaneous it is, how quickly we recognize awesome. Our applause is instantaneous, unrehearsed, genuine; I just saw a fantastic shot! The fact it was hit against is secondary. We are committed to acknowledging the amazing. When we witness the extraordinary, we can't help but clap.

So, on this National Compliment Day, let us apply measure with our compliments, keeping them meaningful, timely, sincere, and appropriate.

Protip: If your opponent is playing otherworldly against you, tell them how good they’re playing on changeovers. They’re guaranteed to start thinking about it. And If they can’t stand a compliment, don’t be surprised when their play comes rapidly crashing back to Earth.