On the eve of Rafael Nadal's retirement from the professional tennis tour, a few of his fiercest career rivals took the King of Clay out for a celebratory night on the town. Having contacts in the field, we were tipped off to the whereabouts of this most sacred gathering. Our secret source thought he overheard much of the evening's conversation, and it might have gone something like this.
Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic, Andy Murray, and Rafael Nadal sit at a low-top table at the back of a restaurant bar finishing their last drinks.
Federer: Dinner time, everyone, let’s close up the bar tab and get to our table
Djokovic: Whoa! Good thing. Novak need food; getting a little slippy sloppy here. Jelena no like when Novak come home too boozly. Too mas ceversas, that right Rafa?
Nadal: Cervesa Nole, Cervesa…
Federer: Sheesh. He's hard enough to deal with when he's sober.
Murray: Not tonight, man. This evening is supposed to be about Rafa.
Federer: I can't just ignore him. His goofy ass broke all my records!
Murray: Ok, but tonight is not about you. You had an entire Laver Cup sobfest weekend for that last year.
Federer, putting his arm around Murray's shoulder: My dear Andy, have you learned nothing all these years. It’s always about me.
Murray dourly: This is gonna be a long night
Murray, leading the quartet to the podium, is greeted by the hostess: Hello Mam. We have a reservation.
Hostess: What name would it be under?
Murray: The Big 4
Hostess: Umm, I'm looking. I'm not seeing a Big 4. I have on here a Big 3. Would that be you?
Murray: No. I said the Big 4. It's always been the Big 4. Big 4, always and forever. Ten years of tour dominance, all the Majors, all Masters 1000's. Here, look at Wikipedia, pages and pages and pages!! Big 4!! Look it up!!
The hostess, taken back: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sure there's been a mistake here. Do you know who made the reservation?
Federer: "I did." Fed elbows, Murray. "Just working ya buddy. Been a hot minute since you've been part of the band."
Hostess: "We can easily add a chair. Please don't be offended. Ok, gentlemen, right this way...Are you celebrating anything special tonight?"
Federer: Yes, This fine lad is retiring from the professional tennis tour this weekend
Hostess: You guys are just retiring? Y'all can barely walk.
Nadal: See!!! I told you we should have retired years ago. Think of all the surgeries we could have avoided.
Federer: Remember that time we were all tied with Majors? I suggested in the group chat that we should all retire at the same time.
Murray: Here we go. Why do I subject myself to this? Carry on, I'll be in the bathroom.
Djokovic: I would have retired if you two retired.
Federer: Well, I would have retired if you two retired.
Nadal: Of course you would have, right before the French. Why would I retire before the French? It was the easiest tournament ever, easier than Roger's annual Basil club championship.
Djokovic: Yeah, and nobody beating Nole on slippy slidy Wimbledon grass, so I couldn't retire yet either. Plus, lovely Jelena loves Novak in all white. Nole winner on and off court that fortnight!! Ha!
Federer: Mirka wouldn't let me retire; said I had to get back out there and fight for all our records!
Novak: Ha. Well, you all retired now, except Novak. He is only player standing left. Now we're the Big One!!! Novak outlasts you all. I told you lots of stretching and no gluten, but you no listen.
Nadal: Wait. Are you saying we all could have been sitting at the beach, retired, watching these new young guns in comfort?
Federer: Not just on a beach, my Spanish friend, we would own the whole island!!
Murray returns. The group starts walking toward their table.
Hostess: We just redid our carpet, so watch your step, Mr Nadal.
Nadal: No need to worry about me, Rafa never step on lines. Worry about these clods behind me.
The four men reach their table. The waiter arrives and begins to pull out the chair at the head of the table for Rafa when he turns abruptly and sprints away. He serpentines his way through the full restaurant, elbows and knees flying, bouncing off tables and diners until he reaches the far wall and sprints back.
Murray: So embarrassing
Federer: You think he does this at home with his wife?
Murray: Maybe that's why having a kid took him the longest.
Novak: Booms!!! Quite the moody-killer!!
The four legends finally get seated. Another waiter approaches the table: I brought water for the whole table. I'll leave it here in the middle.
Rafa: NO NO NO!! I'll take that.
Novak elbows Murray: Watch this. Drink first, water second. 45-degree angle. Like clockswork!!
Nadal: What is this? Do you make fun of Rafa?
Djokovic: You're a little predictable, my agimo.
Nadal: Amigo.. Amigo!!!
Djokovic: Nole speak all the languages, just not the Espanishol one.
Nadal: Ahh!! You think me predictable. You are the most regular person on the pro tour. You always have to go to bathroom after you lose set. Amazingly predictable!!
Federer: I'll take a High Five for that!!
Murray: Let me get in on this!!!
Djokovic: Et to Brute? Everyone always ganging up on Nole.
Federer: Save your whining for your Box. And by the way, what Coach are you on now? Who gets fired next?
Djokovic: Nole superstitious. Nole no win, coach gotta go. Nole only win Olympics this year, so coach had to go. That's the way the crumbled cookies go, no? With Nole only one still playing, maybe you all retired look for new occupation. Maybe one of you coach me now.
NOT
A
CHANCE!!!
Murray: If you yelled at me once, I’d start helping your opponent.
Federer: And why would we want to help you win more?
Djokovic: Ha. Good point. And Nole no need your help to win. Nole do all the winnings against you without you, so who needs you? Not Nole, no... That make any sense? Nole getting a little buzzy
Rafa: What should we order?
Federer: Let the Fed handle this. I don't have all night. If I have to wait one more second of my life on you two, you're both human time violations.
Federer to the waiter: The cheerleader over there, he'll take the gluten-free special. Us strapping men, we’ll take the surf and turf platter for the table.
Murray: While we wait for the food, let’s get out the presents.
Novak: I'll go first. Here, Rafa, something you've always needed: a collared shirt—with sleeves!!!
Rafa: Ha. Very funny. If you look in the mirror, you know why you don't wear a cut-off. No permit required for you scrawny guns. Rafa got the cannons. Fans love bulgy muscle Rafa cranking the lawn mower. But thank you, Novak.
Federer: Rafa, I got you these hair products. They work on natural hair, like my perfect mane and that fake-ass hair plug mess you're rocking.
Rafa: Aww, Thanks Roger. If you weren't so afraid of messing your hair up, you might have beat me more!!! Vamos!!!
Murray: My kids painted you this portrait of you beating me. You're their favorite player, more favorite than their Dad.
Rafa: That's just sad. But thanks, Andy, and thank your kids for me.
The waiter arrives at the table with a cart of sizzling food and places it all in the middle of the table.
Murray, tapping his glass: Before we start, I'd like to offer a toast, one my Mum used to say to me and my brother during the holidays.
But before Murray can begin, Rafa dives toward the platter, grabs the largest slab of steak with both hands and bites into it.
Federer: What the hell, man!! You have a fork and knife right there!
Rafa: Sorry guys, old habit, hard to break.
Murray: How did this whole biting thing start?
Rafa: Rafa grow up poor peasant in provincial Mallorca. no rich. Big family, everybody. Uncle Tony, everyone. Rafa work out all day, that's how I get all rippled Rafa, but Rafa always hungry and not always enough to eat, so when food ready, Rafa worked on quick hands, grab biggest piece, the trophy piece and take big bite before anyone else. Rafa bite, Rafa owns. Kinda like French Open trophy. Rafa take big bites, you get little nibble every now and then when Rafa no well. Rafa superstitious, Biting worked so Rafa never stop, no?
Federer, shaking head: Jesus...
There's a pause at the table as the gentlemen look quietly at each other
Murray: Ok, who wants to ask him?
Djokovic: Ok, I will. And the butt-picking, how did that start?
Federer: Enough!! Can't you see the Fed is trying to eat?
Rafa: How is it by the way?
Fed: PeRFect. And you know you can't spell perfect without an RF.
Rafa: Everything always perfect with you. The strokes, the clothes, the shots, your hair.
Federer: How's yours, Novak?
Nole brings hands to chest...
Murray: If you do the heart thing, I'm outta here..Seriously, I'll stab you with my fork…
Murray: How's your pasta, Rafa?
Rafa starts spinning pasta around and around and around
Federer: Always spinning everything
Murray: How many times are you gonna spin that?
Rafa: More than you flat boys!! Vamos!!!
Rafa puts pasta in mouth and starts chewing, chewing, chewing..
Federer: Well?
Novak: How many times you gonna chew that?
Rafa: 22 times. One for each major. Rafa has a few tics, you know?
Murray: One bite for each major? So weird
Rafa: Don't try that on your steak, Murray; you'll choke.
Murray: I knew I should have stayed home
Federer: By the way, what's that around your neck?
Murray: My TWO!! Olympic gold singles medals. Besides heartbreaking losses, it might be the only thing I have more than you.
Murray: Now that we're all here together, Let's talk about what it was having to play each other
Novak: Rafa, Love your short spinny shit; Nole put that on gluten cracker and snack-um!! Fed, Love crushing your flippy backhand and making Mirka all the madness. Andy, love knowing you can never hurt the Nole. You no have the big weaponry shot.
Rafa: Seriously, though, you were all so tough to play in your own ways. You were such special competitors, no? There was always so much at stake when we played. It's hard to be close friends chasing all the titles and the GOAT-est thing. My only friends on tour are the other Spaniards I drum like a marching band. They don't even try to pretend we're rivals. It's easier to be friends that way.
Novak: Nole disagrees. Novak is always friendly with everyone and wants a big hug at the net, win or lose. Let's do a big group hug now. Big Djoko-hug for the table.
Federer: No! Maybe after dinner, Novak, but slow down on the beers, would ya?
Federer: Ahh, it's so good to get out and connect with you boys. But Mirka doesn't like Fed out in public too late. So many fans, but only one Fed. What time is it, Rafa?
Rafa digs in his tight front pocket, trying to pull his phone out.
Murray: Maybe if your clothes fit, you wouldn't get wedgies all the time.
Rafa still struggling
Federer: Rafa, you wear a million-dollar watch; why don't you look at it?
Rafa: This shiny diamond bracelet tells time o'clock, too? Wowza! You know each one of these watches costs as much as a new Rafa Nadal Tennis Academy.
Fed: Doesn't compare to my Rolex.
Murray: Of course, it doesn't.
Federer: The Swiss make the most handsome men and the best watches. You Brits, you all look like old moldy Big Ben
Federer: I do have to say though. Mirka was never happy when she sees Rafa in my draw.
Novak: Jelena too!!
Federer: I tell Mirka not to expect any after I play that little sheet. He takes my legs out for days.
Novak: Ha! Jelena is always mad when Rafa is in the Nole draw, always wanting second helpings in early rounds, for no late-round action for pretty Jelena when Rafa is up next. Have to save all my sliding around for the Rafaman!!
Novak elbows Murray: Sliding around, you get it?
Murray: Yes, brilliant again, Novak, just brilliant.
Rafa: In all seriousness, though, Rafa has a few things I'd like to say.
Rafa looks down, pauses, fixes hair, touches nose, looks back up, but this time over the shoulders of his table mates
Federer: What are you looking at?
Rafa: Looking for Uncle Tony to tell me what to do? Old habit. Sorry. Where was I? Ok. Last night before final match. There will never be another Big 4 like us. So many moments. Ebbs and flows of all our careers. All of us down and out several times only to come back stronger. We all had our moments, when we won, we seemed invincible, unbeatable, the best player on the planet, the GOAT, then one of us would come charging even harder. Amazing fighters, all of you. And I know history, the tennis will get better, the athletes even more insane. Every sport progresses. But will they have our style, our flair, our historic matches, and will they do it with so much class? Will they become the role models we've all become? Will they leave our beloved sport in better shape than we leave it now? We are not just the greatest players of all time; we had the greatest rivalries, too
Novak: Cheers to the Greatest Rivalries Of All Time… The GROAT!!
Federer: Not now, Novak
Rafa: But each of us, always pushing each other to higher levels. I would never have accomplished all I did, and I would never be who I am without all of you. So thank you all from the top of my heart for all the battles, spirit, camaraderie, and respect. And though we tease each other a little tonight, I have so much respect for you all. I look forward to enjoying retirement with you all as friends and no longer competitors. Christmas on my yacht this year!! Bring all the wives and kids!!
Bring it in for one last Vamos and lets’s get home. I still have a Davis Cup to play!!!
Vamos! Another great peace! Thank you n Barry